S.R 5 part 2

The summer of 2012 was the summer I went abroad to England on a language camp. It had its weaknesses, but overall it was very fun. I met a Swede on that camp and we started a relationship. He was very different from the person I am, and didn't like metal music. He was, in hindsight, too different from me.  I was suppose to change myself for him. I did it a lil' bit, I even tried to listen to Swedish House Mafia (but oh god, it was such horrible music I couldn't).

The relationship between me and my friends at school had gotten a toll. It was almost invicible, but there, like a spider web we were all caught in. They did not like me anymore. Not as much as last year. I ignored all the signals.

My Swedish boyfriend broke up with me. Yet again, I felt someone punching spikes through my heart. I was now 17 and had even better coping mechanics so I survived.

I can't remember very well anything from this period from school. I guess it was okay. Maybe.

But, my life got a change after the Old Prom. A boy, one year under me, contacted me. He had seen me dancing, and prob got very interested in me from the first sight. We sexted/texted a lot, and I got feelings for him. He was a metal head. He dressed differently from the other boys, he was kind of punky and lil trashy. He was someone like me.

And then I realized that I can't fake myself anymore. Before I knew it, I had become myself again. This loud, fuck everything-attitude was back. It felt wonderful. Even if we never started a relationship, this boy and I, I'm grateful for that he made me accept myself again.

Another thing that completely threw me back to the core of myself was a certain character I acted as at the theatre. I came up with her myself, with the help of the group mates.

She (the character) became my alter ego. She was violent, self harmed, and planned a murder. Like I had been. I felt such an attraction to this wrecked character that I sometimes became her. The lines between acting and... well, not acting, were spider web thin. I was her, and she was me, and in an alternative universe that would've been me if I hadn't found friends in seventh/eight grade. Dressed up as the character I saw myself in the mirror. I cut myself for this character. I relouded all anger and hate I've ever felt into this character.

Maybe I had been a ticking bomb all the time and this character took the blow? I didn't have to be violent, she had to. It was genious.

And then summer.