S.R 6 part 1

In the summer between 2:nd and final grade, the abi year, I met a new friend, and that saved me for the rest of the semester in school.

It was now reaaally obvious that my "friends" in school were my friends just because they couldn't get rid of me. I bet we all thought the same thing, "just one year left and we don't have to deal with this anymore".

I was strong, I never let them "fade" me, I initiated a heck a lot of stuff so our relationships would be a little smoother than they were, I was.not.going.to.be.alone.they.were.not.allowed.to.leave.me

Luckily I had this new friend who let me join his friends crew. They all went to another school that was specialized in arts, and I hanged out there with them in their school quite a lot. And felt out of place, bc we were not in the same school and it made me regret that I didn't apply to that school instead of the one I went to (not that I wanted to apply to that school when I was 15, but I still felt a silent anger for not going to that school).

Holding inside anger and pain is not good in the long run. I was exhausted from being strong when the announcement of the Abi Cruise came around. My friends chose cabins aaand I was left outside. I couldn't be strong anymore, it hurt too much.

This was the first time in my life I told someone about my anxiety and sadness. I had chosen a friend I trusted and told about how sad I was about the cabins, that I didn't have anyone to share a cabin with. I cried so much and slammed my head against the lockers, it was bad okay to tell someone. My chest hurt so badly from admitting I wasn't strong enough.

My friends rearranged the cabins so I could join them. I'm thankful for it. But not once did they ask how I felt, am I sad, do we need to do something for you, maybe you should talk to someone etc etc. They did not care in the end.

The cruise was marvellous, thanks to my friend from the other school. I had so so so much fun.

But I knew it was over with my old friends.