Storytime: My acting journey

During the self reflections I talked about theatre somewhat, and a vital part of me thrives of acting. It would be foolish to omit the benefits of acting in my life.

I had always loved acting. As a small child I created plays and performances that my parent were forced to watch. I loved watching theatre, and my parents were active when bringing us children to plays.

I joined a theatre for the first time the year I turned 9. I had one of my best friends with me, and the association was an amateur theatre with people of all ages. Even if I had only one line in the whole play, I took it very serioulsy. Or was forced to :D You see, the older group mates took the theatre very serioulsy, and they weren't about having an unfocused child there, so I got pretty well disciplined. I learned to focus hard on the games, being present on stage and so on.

Later in life, when I've taught children in acting, I've realized that you notice pretty quickly which ones have a chance of getting really skilled acting, and which ones will never get to even a decent level of acting, no matter how hard they try. I guess I was one of the kids that you notice would get skilled, a fast learner and a fighter of spotlight.

The next year, when going on ten, I got one of the bigger parts of the next play. I shared the spotlight with older girls, skilled teenagers indeed, but I was one of them at the age of ten. I was proud. That the director had noticed my improvements.

I had a paus of acting the following two years. Went back when I was 12, 13 and 14. At age 12 and 13 I got pretty decent roles, but not really anything groundbreaking. Being 14, I got one of the bigger roles in the play and even a song. When the news paper review it, they marked me as one of the greatest talents on the stage. I was chocked, and happy. Four of us actors had been named as the greatest talents on stage, I being the youngest one. The others were 4, 5 and 7 years older than I, and had been acting for a long time. I was so proud. For improving, and growing so much that I was one of the very best on that stage. And I was but a teenager, fourteen years old.

After this, I switched theatre. Not that the previous one was bad, but I needed a change. I found another one in another town, and I knew no one before hand. I had a hard time finding my place in this group, as I didn't come from that town and everyone knew everyone. The first year was also characterized with envy, as there was a group of four girls, all being veri funny and skilled at humour. Everyone laughed with them and thought their plays were fantastic, bc of the humour. I... it's not like I hate humour, but I'm not good at it. I was so envious at them. I wanted to gain the other kids attention too, but couldn't.

After the girls left and I started upper secondary school, I learned to deal with my emotions through acting. Face your anger and violence and frustration, take it out on imaginary characters, scream, shout, kick, hit, throw, punch. I confirmed myself. I started to accept myself.

I found myself. 

Because it ment so much for me, I became very fast very skilled at my art. Nuances in mime game, changing my voice, the muscles in my face, I could control everything. It was like finding new skills everytime. My imagination brought me far.

This ofc made some of the group mates fear me. I've heard later on that at least two girls were scared of me, and I know why, because I once was a huge jerk to one of them when scolding her for not being good enough in front of everyone else. Not my proudest moment.

But I have been proud of myself. For feedback. For almost making one group mate cry when I acted out an emotional scene. For making the parents of one girl feel fear (i.e being so convincing when acting). For having the teacher stare at me in pure chock after a play. For making people feel emotions inside when watching me. 

When I was 18 I joined another theatre, but it didn't feel as right. I didn't get as much freedome there. But I found one very important contact from there. I also had a theatre club myself in the place I grew up, where I held the classes and me and my dad make the stage props for the shows. 14 kids. I did it for three years, and it was lovely.

After I "outgrew" the association, I got the job as an assistant there. I was so hyped. And scared. Scared that my freedom would be suppressed, that the teacher (now my boss) would try to bind me to norms. She didn't. She knew me. She gave me freedom.

 "They need a leader. You go and make a play with them. They're followers and you're a leader. They need someone strong enough to make a good antagonist. They need you."

Four amazing years went by. I had my freedom. I saw children grow into teenagers and teenagers grow into wonderful young adults. I grew up myself. I knew I was liked, if not loved. What I did ment so much for the kids and I saw myself in some of them. Acting wasn't just about having the main role or being the loudest, or even being the funniest. Acting was about finding out who you are and what it can do for you. I've guided stage frightened teenagers and seen them overcoming their fears, I've shouted out of happiness when a child developes and make a fantastic performance, I've got flowers and hugs, I've laughed with them and told both dreams and truths and and and

at that place I've gotten many bruises as big as my fists , I've hit my hand until it bled, I've fucking dislocated my knee for a role, everything for characters and emotions. For making the best performances ever.

I've been a father who raped his daugther, I've been a raped daughter, I've been a human trafficker, I've been a murderer, I've been murdered, I've been someone who castrated men, I've been an abuser and been abused, I've been people with halluciantions, I've been the hallucinations, I've been a soldier and a drunk ass. I've been way more than I can remember.

A total of 8 years I've been at that place. Until now.

No story lives forever. This story has ended.

But the relationship between me and theatre is tighter than ever. I'm SO close at getting into a professional production. Fingers crossed.