I saw her again

Yesterday I saw one old friend from the gymnasium. The upper secondary school times.

We crossed the street, we were walking to opposite directions and we said hello with a really happy tone to each others.

I meant my happy tone. Because out of all the selfish, hollow assholes that pretended to care about me she was the best one. I don't think she actually disliked me, not really, but she was being controlled by others and if the others didn't want me there she had to obey.

I felt really, truly empty when seeing her. Not angry. Just empty.

I've so many years dealt all by myself the "trauma" that final fucking year of upper secondary school gave me, all the negative emotions and anger and just pure fury I stored in myself that it's all empty now. Not even my fiancé knows. I've confined like two friends very, very briefly upon this, but never in detail.

I wonder what she thinks of me. Does she have bad conscience at all? Does she regret anything? Is she happy with her life at the moment?

Those are things I wonder. And things I'd never ever dare to ask.

I saw her last probably three years ago.

I think it'll be another three years before I spot her again.

I don't miss her. But god. I miss the life I could've had.