My appearance

The biggest "insecurity", if you want to call it, when I was a child was an interesting one. It still affects me in some minor aspects to this very day.

I think it started when I was 9 och 10, the age when appearance start to matter somewhat to a girl. I looked at my friends in school, at their noses, their lips, their eyes, their chins, you name it, and I could see unique features in each of them. One had a scar under her nose, another one had gorgeous coloured eyes, a third one had a big gap between her teeth.

All features that made them THEM.

Then I looked at myself in the mirror only to see.... a random child. According to myself, I had nothing that was unique about my face. I had a normal nose, normal eyes, normal lips, boring hair, nothing that made a difference in my face.

I got paranoid by this. I thought I didn't have an appearance. I thought not even my own mother could recognize me at a random place. I was convinced my friends only recognized me by my voice.

I can't say I hated my face, but I was frustraded that my face didn't seem... natural. It seemed like the animated example of a Finnish child, not like an organic, unique face. Like a background character.

My identity relied 100% on my behaviour. If my appearance wasn't what made me unique, then my behvaiour would make me.

I've always needed to stand out, to be somebody, and my face couldn't support this need of mine at that age. I was acting out sometimes, I was loud, I was the best girl in the class in school without being a good girl, I was the theatre kid, my identity WAS my personality and not appearance.

I even avoided makeup, because what difference would it even make? My face was bland and boring, and I disliked the thought in making an effort to change the face.

This all changed in seventh grade (age 13) when I learned the hard way that my personality wasn't really a desirable one, and out of frustration I grabbed the pencil eyeliner and that became a trademark feature. I did now have something not everyone had. Ugly panda-liner around the eye. Hah, even if it wasn't the most beautiful makeup, it was still something important to me, and I can't hate that makeup to this day.

Later on it was something else. Glittery eyeshadow. Liquid eyeliner. Eyeliner wings so sharp they could kill a man. Double wings. Black eyeshadow. Eyeliner around the lid.

Since I started doing my makeup (oct/nov 2008 if I remember correctly) my paranoia of not being recognized by my loved ones bc of "not having a face with actual features" has eased, even if it as late as one week ago made a suprise visit to me.