Violence

This week I was a substitute teacher in a elementary school. Well, it should've gone alright if we omit the fact that three kids broke out in a physical fight.

And my first initial reaction would be to respons with violence to end the fight. Just in time my sanity got the better of me and convinced me to talk to the kid who was hitting the other one instead of doing what my first reaction was.

If I was to follow my guts I'd grab the kid by the arm, squeeze as hard as I can, and twist his arm. But you can't do that to a child. You can't use violence on a child. And you can definitely not use violence on a child you're supposed to be the teacher to.

But deep inside I know, that if this was to happen while I was not a public teacher, but while I was a drama teacher, I wouldn't hold back.

I know that I'd use violence on a child in the surroundings of a drama lesson. And yes, the taste of this is very bitter on my toungue.

I've used violence once on a child during the drama lessons, but it was not on stage, and no one saw it. She wasn't hurt, maybe just a little scared. But I don't really regret it either, she provoced me. But I know that it was wrong of me.

Me being prone to violence is one of my biggest flaws. The older I've become the more hidden this flaw has become, but I've heard from my friends and my fiancé during different occassions that "I'm so violent, stop". It hurts me every time someone comments it, because I am aware of it, but it's hard to stop in time.

But considering where I was when I was 13 and an incredibly violent child, I've come a long way. I'm trying. And I considering the fact that I could stop in time, and not use violence on this child, a win.

Someday I will be free of my initial reaction to use violence. One day, I will be free.